So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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