when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
