yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just sucked dick on a ferry
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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