I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
