How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
