Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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