ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
