Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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