Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
