last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
