I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
