He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
