Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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