i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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