he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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