Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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