Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
