So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
