Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize