You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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