so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
