bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
