"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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