i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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