dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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