remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
