Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dicks are not precious.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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