I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
