did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
