you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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