I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
