I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
