This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
