As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
