I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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