your parents love me but you hate me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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