I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
