I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
