i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
