this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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