i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
