Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
