You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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