We're like a lot better than the average bears
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
