And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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