Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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