Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
