We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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