your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
