This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
