my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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