I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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