WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
