i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
