the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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