Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
