I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
