I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
