i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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